Confession #082
I don’t know why I feel the need to confess this, but I still do love to sing.
The feeling I get from listening to music is like a contact high, but it’s nothing like the high I get from singing. There’s nothing like being on stage with a group of your peers performing what you’ve worked so hard to master together. That feeling of accomplishment when you know that you’ve nailed something you’ve sang out of tune for weeks. Knowing that there is nothing that can bring you closer to your Maker than lifting your voice gives a kind of humility that I’ve never known.
I miss it. I miss it so much.
The greatest moment in my life was my senior year. I sang at the variety show at my high school. I sang India.Arie’s arrangement of The Heart of the Matter by Don Henley. It wasn’t my first solo, but it was the first solo where I truly believed in myself. I got up on that stage and let my accompanist play my intro. I stood out looking at the crowd, mortified. Every single person in that auditorium was waiting for me to open my mouth and sing. My parents were there. My friends were there. My mentor and music teacher were there. I was so afraid, but when my cue came, I didn’t hesitate or take a second thought. I took a breath and began to sing.
It might sound stupid, but as the song progressed, I literally felt my spirit soar out of my body and I watched myself be the person I’ve always wanted. I sang my heart out that night. I don’t even remember if it was good or bad. All I remember is coming to and seeing the crowd at a standing ovation when the piano played its last notes. That moment was so surreal. It validated every feeling I had ever had about myself. Those secret thoughts of knowing that I could be really good. Those times when I smiled at myself knowing that I could really do this. Those private moments of patting myself on the back finally came to fruition. It really was the beginning of the person I wanted to be.
Singing was the only thing that ever validated me. The only way I knew myself was through my voice. The silence that I live in now is killing me. It’s stifling me. It’s suffocating me. When I look in the mirror, I don’t even recognize myself anymore.
Music isn’t the easy road. Not in the slightest. It scares me that I might never make it. That all my dreaming will be for naught. All the time I spent singing until the night gives in to day will be in vain. Most of all, I’m scared that the one thing that is truly what gives me value will come up short, that it will really prove that I am everything I thought I was - a failure.
I have never wanted to be in the spotlight. I preferred working with other people and seeing them find the confidence to be themselves. However, I never wanted to stop singing. I don’t know how I convinced myself of that. I don’t know how I ended up where I am today - too afraid to even open my own mouth. What I’m even more unsure about is how to find my way back.
